Marriage: Things I Am Learning

This year, my husband and I celebrated 2 years of marriage! In some ways I can’t fathom how 2 years have already passed, but at the same time it feels like our wedding was ages ago. November 17, 2018 was the most perfect day. Surrounded by the people we love most, we sang, danced, and committed to a lifetime.

In our time together we have both changed, growing into what often seems like totally different people than we were just a few short years ago. I think that’s one of the biggest blessings, but also biggest challenges when you marry young or marry someone you’ve known forever. You both have a lot of growing up to do and the other person has to allow space for those changes to take place.

5 Things I Have Learned

I am no expert on love or marriage, but I thought I would include a few things I have learned over the course of our relationship. This year we found we had to be much more intentional about these than we have in the past. It seemed adding a baby to the mix really leveled up our marriage! 😛

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Matt and I have never had a big fight. We have pretty solid communication skills and work well together. I attribute most of our good habits to pre-marital counseling (10/10 would recommend!) That said, it has become increasingly clear just how important communication is! We struggled a little at first because we process feelings very differently and found it difficult to understand the other person.

Speaking is not the same as communicating. You can talk all you want, but unless you have a healthy understanding of how the other person is wired, it will likely be fruitless. More often than not, frustration happens because we feel our needs and wants are not met even after we think we’ve communicated them. Get to know your partner forwards, backwards, and sideways. Early on, I wrongly elevated the importance of talking. Matt is an internal processor and needs time to get his thoughts in order before speaking. I tend to be an external processor who needs to speak and have help getting my thoughts in order. I dealt with a lot of frustration that he couldn’t immediately sit down after a problem and have a deep conversation about what went wrong. Now I am aware he just needs a little space. Make sure you can talk with your partner in a way they not only hear, but understand.

Be willing to be wrong. No one likes to be wrong, but I think this is especially true of men. Marriage is not a competition. We are a team. Admittedly, Matthew is wrong much more than I am. 😉 Mostly just because he is gracious and often lets it slide when I’m wrong. I have a tendency to prove myself right when I think he is wrong (which I know really bothers him), so this is a particularly difficult lesson for me.

Let the old them go. Matt and I met in 9th and 10th grade and have been friends for over 10 years now. It’s fun to have so much history together, but sometimes difficult to reconcile the people we used to be with the people we are now. When you are the one changing it feels normal. It makes sense. More often than not, you look back and don’t mind -perhaps even appreciate- the differences. In my experience, this change is more difficult for a spouse or significant other, and a big part of why many high school relationships don’t last. It is so easy to fall into the trap of wishing he was still like “this” or still enjoyed doing “that,” but people aren’t meant to be stagnant. We have to allow our spouse room to grow and change.

Fight for intimacy. This year, we unknowingly fell into a dangerous pattern. Matt would come home from work and shower. I finished dinner, we put the baby down to bed, then sat in front of the TV for an hour or two while eating. We would go our separate ways to finish up our last-minute tasks, he played video games while I showered, then we would go to bed – often well after midnight. After a few months of this, we realized we were feeling pretty disconnected. We were together a lot, but our quality time was limited. The importance of intimacy doesn’t diminish when life gets busy, but can sometimes feel next to impossible to maintain. Fight for it. Eat dinner at the table a few nights a week. Plan regular date nights.

These may or may not resonate with you, but I feel God put them on my heart to share here. No two marriages are alike, just as no two people are alike. I encourage you to examine your relationships and determine what your own top five “lessons learned” (or learning…) would be. If you already know, share your wisdom in the comments below!